What kind of bagel are you based on your zodiac sign?

National Bagel Day arrives on January 15 and as we are all imperfect circles harboring unfillable emotional holes there is perhaps no greater metaphor for the human condition than the humble bagel.

According to Maria Balinska, author of “The Bagel: The Surprising History of a Modest Bread,” the origin of the bagel is hard to pinpoint as round bread has a place in many cultures. But, the first written record of the bagel dates to Krakow, Poland in the year of our yeast 1610.

Community regulations decreed that bagels were to be gifted to women after childbirth because let’s face it, bread beats a robe and an episiotimy scar any day, folks. Just as challah is baked and consumed during Rosh Hashanah in hope for a full year to come, the birth bagel symbolized a healthy delivery and a long life ahead.

In addition to bringing babies forth, the shape of the humble bagel led some Medieval consumers to believe they contained magical powers, a credence shared by me and anyone else who has ever eaten a bagel breakfast sandwich while nursing a violent whiskey hangover.

Americans owe their love of the hallowed bagel to Jewish immigrants who brought the bread to the continent at the turn of the twentieth century. This community went on to form the famed Bagel Bakers Local 338, a trade union that established production standards and fair wages for the workmen that boiled, hand crafted and faithfully baked bagels in New York City. 338 controlled the bagel market for decades until the advent, and some would argue assault of, machine made bagels in the 1960’s.

Today bagels are made and sold in varying degrees of quality, fresh and frozen around the world. The fuel of the people, the bagel is a beloved morning (and hangover) staple available in myriad flavors and because there is an ice cream, a dessert, a cookie and a Halloween candy for each zodiac sign, god***n it so too is there a bagel varietal. Read on and schmear lavishly.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Garlic bagel

Garlic is associated with Mars, the Roman god of war and the planetary ruler of Aries. Like the fire breathing first sign in the zodiac, garlic is unconcerned with being offensive. Aries folk routinely and gleefully burn road blocks and bridges while garlic is known to burn through a stuffy nose and a sluggish digestive system.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Asiago bagel …