What a Person’s Go-To McDonalds Sandwich Order Says About Them

Forget Astrological order — defy the whims of the cosmos with me for a moment and consider the tangible magic of the real world within which we live, breathe, fuck, love, and perish in an infinite and beautiful loop. I am here to tell you there is a much better way to decipher everything you need to know about someone, and that is a person’s go-to McDonald’s sandwich.

Plus, with this handy list, now you can say things like “I warned you about them, they’re a McDouble! You know that McDouble’s and Big Macs don’t work romantically, it was doomed from the start!”

Here is your New Zodiac.

Bold and/or brassy and frequently a combination of the two, a Quarter Pounder is loud, proud, and headstrong. The first through the door in the crisis and the last to leave. A Quarter Pounder knows what they love, and they choose to love it as loud as a thousand cannons shooting out over an angry ocean. A Quarter Pounder can be too much for some and not enough for others, forever walking the fine line between acceptance and abandonment. A Quarter Pounder is not for everyone, but all who find themselves in the embrace of one know how it feels to be not just loved, but protected.

You love a little luxury in your life: the finest fabrics, blankets that are always the perfect temperature, and a lil treat that’s just for you. You are, as your Quarter Pounder counterpart, loud and proud, but a Double Quarter Pounder also desires to see anyone in their orbit share in the richness of their world. The finest things on this earth or the next are here for the thrill of the ages, and why should we not revel in them? To deny ourselves the pleasures of life runs counter to everything a Double Quarter Pounder holds dear.

A Big Mac is BUSY! Like, so busy. When people ask you how a Big Mac is? Busy. When they ask you how a big Mac feels? Busy. What does a Big Mac want for..BUSY! God, how many times do I have to…sorry. A Big Mac has a lot to do and not enough time to see it all come to fruition. Some might look at a Big Mac and worry they have taken too much on in this life, but what they cannot see is that there is more burden that a Big Mac is willing to carry if asked. A Big Mac, while busy and stressed like…all the time, is also dependable and iconic. A Big Mac will never turn you away when you call their name.

Filet O Fishes are stubborn, headstrong, and bullish. The emotional core of a Filet O’ Fish is the heaving waters of an impending wave waiting for the right push to rise to a boastful crescendo. Many will see a Filet as difficult, hard to get into, and harder still to learn to love. But once you come to cross that bridge to the heart of a Filet, you will find there is no turning away from the tangy bite of their love. Filets are acquired, never earned, and a bond that will never break.

While some will say that a Cheeseburger is too simple, an easy decision made by one burdened by indecisiveness, those same people are too quick to write a Cheeseburger off. To be a Cheeseburger is to be so full and rich of the spirit of the natural world that you require nothing more. A cheeseburger never aspires to be something they…